New Job!

Whoo hoo... I start my new job tomorrow at CampWabasso! I'm really excited over the whole thing... so excited I'm guessing I wont sleep very well... which will of course look bad on my first day when I can't stay awake. Hmm... the messes I get myself into!

It's just a daytime job, I'll be working in the Arts and Crafts cabin, and training starts tomorrow and goes for 2 weeks. The campers dont show up until July... so we'll all be good and smart when it comes to dealing with them. Yay! I'm really excited. It's going to be a new challange, becuase not only is it a wider age range (older and younger) than I'm used to... but it's coed. Eep! I'm used to just girls.

Ok... off to do some laundry, pick out my first day outfit, and break in my backpack.

Mmmh mmhh la la de da de da dah (that's me humming camp songs!)

A Note On My Mother

I have realized in the less than 12 hours since I screamed at my mother and asked her to leave my house for insulting both my husband and just about every person we know, that my relationship with her hasnt changed much over the years.

And here it is.

We all have that one friend. Someone that if we met at this point in our lives, wouldnt really be our friend, someone who at some point in our lives you had so much in common with that you were so close, that now you can't not be friends... but realize you have little left holding the friendship together other than the fact that your friends. That is my and my mother. Always has been, always will.

I would generally say that no one can upset me like my husband can, and no matter what he does I still love him at the end of the day. I guess the same can be said for my mother, becuase while I think my side of the situation was right today, I'm sure she sees her side just the same way. And once again we're at this place where we are so close, but can be so different, and hate each other so much.

I will say this about my mother. My mom rather, I guess I only refer to her as my mother when I'm mad... as if some other word is to follow. I envy her sometimes. She has never seemed like someone to be walked on. In my portion of her life that I can remember, she never takes no for an answer, and is always willing to fight for her children or for what is right. Today, at the moment when I hated her most, I felt most like her. It was an odd sense of peace, an odd balance in the world. For once I was the one standing up like she'd taught me. Little did I ever expect it to have to be against her. At least not about this.

And now I get to sit here in bed and worry that her drive back home was safe. Worry about her work and her car and her life. Becuase as much as I envy her, I know I would never have the strength to be her... and sometimes I wonder how much longer she'll have the strength to be herself too.

Happy for a snow day

Today we have the lovely effects of the coastal stuff going on, and the best part, NO SCHOOL!

I know that sounds silly, but it came at a good time. I've just been so run down the past few days, it's nice to have a break.

But dont worry, I wasnt just a bum, I went to the gym and I'm cleaning the house now. I even plugged in the ole' clock radio so I can listen to some music.

Yep yep... fun day.

Shower power!

So I'm curious of something. Why is it that I can manage to spend a nice looooong time shaving my legs and still miss some hairs. I know it's silly... and I'm sure it happens to everyone. But for once, I'd like to step out of the shower, dry my legs off and not go "Oh snap" and have to reach for the razor again.

Sorry if that's TMI for the blogging world... but I'm pretty sure I've seen worse. Maybe it's just me... but hair in general is icky. I hate it if a hair falls of my head and is on my arm or something. Eeeew. That's the main reason I could never do hair for a living, as cool as it might be. But ugh... other peoples hair on me... EEP!

No thank you.

Ok... now I suppose I should get dressed before I give my neighbors a nice little show!

I'm so blah right now

So I never want to come across as the bad person in a situation. Generally speaking I try to do what's right, and I try to keep in mind that my actions aren't based on other peoples reactions. Meaning that the right thing to do when someone is mean to you, is not to be mean back.

But right now I'm so blah. My head and heart is so heavy. I'm just overwhelmed with everything that's going on. I dont want to get into all of it online, but I do feel as if I'm going crazy. I dont know what I want anymore... actually... that's a lie. I know what I want, I'm just not sure if it can be "gotten".

But for right now, I'm tired of being the grown up.

This is me... officially announcing the "new lindsey".

This Lindsey is different... she's smart and funny just like old lindsey, but she doesnt give into double standards, and she doesn't get walked on. Oddly enough, this lindsey likes to work out, run, go skinny dipping, drink too much and not regret it in the morning. That's who the new lindsey is. New lindsey is pretty, and she likes that. New lindsey has great eyes and is nice to people who are nice back. New Lindsey is tired of waiting.

That being said... new Lindsey is still confused. She doesnt know what to do. She's tired of not having a choice.

10 Drinks later...

So last night was fun.

Starting at TGI Fridays with:
- mango margarita thing
- mojoto
- two shots of tequila
- a red headed dirty word shot
- most of vanessas second drink
and sips of all of jens including a martini and a nasty manhattin.

Then at the bar
- a few beers
- two screwdrivers (well I had two... I dont think I finished the second)
- a vodka and cranberry

All ending in a ride home in jens car where I told her numerous times that "even my feet are drunk"

Fun fun... crazy girls night on the town. Yay to all the awesome people we met! I would offer to post the pictures, but they'll be worth lots of money some day if I ever run for office... ha ha!

They say my brain is ok... but

So according to the nice people at the MRI place my brain is ok. There's nothing funky going on, things look even, there's no shifting, seperating or masses.

However... I'm not so sure. Not that I think i'm walking around with a serious brain turmor or anything... I'm just not sure about what's actually going on with my brain.

I keep having these really odd dreams. They're super vivid and I remember just about everything from them. That's not too odd for me, I've always been able to remember my dreams, but these new ones are SO real and I can feel the emotions of them actually effecting my body!

First example: I had this dream I was in some other country. I only know it was another country becuase when I tried to call my mom later in the dream, I couldnt becuase I didnt know the country code to call her. Anyway, I'm on vacation and me and my group are in a building for a class and the building starts getting attacked. So we're all on the floor, I can see the bombs or whatever flying over the building (becuase i"m near a window), windows are broken, we're getting sparks from the eletrical sockets because its raining and the water is hitting them. And I'm there on the ground praying (I can even remember what I was saying). Then the military shows up to help us, and there is a serious sense of relief when they show up. But then... and now we're to the moral of the story... I was wearing flip flops (because I was out sight seeing... why not) and we had to run from the building in the rain, and I wasnt going to be able to run. In fact we had to do more than run from the building, we were going to have to evacuate the city on foot. Just weird. From now on, I'm taking sneakers with me everywhere.

There have been some others, including one with our family friends, and their neighbor was using their hot tub as a birthing pool for a home birth and Ross (the kid in the family i was closest to) came home drunk, Ian the older brother was helping him, and boy is he losing some hair.

Then last night... I had a dream justin was coming home, and I wasnt ready. I was trying to find an outfit, and it was just weird. I think (this part is a little fuzzy) that there was some other girl there wanting him to come home too... but it was weird.

Anyway... I think the lesson from that dream was "I need to go shopping so I have something pretty for when my husband comes home"

"I dont want to... if you dont want to..."

"But I want to!"

Those are the last lines of one of the songs off my new Sugarland CD... and they kinda speak to me. I know that sounds silly "ooh the words speak to you" but at the same time, there's something I like about. I think it speaks truly of human nature. You might want something, but only if you don't have to admit you want it.

The song in particular is talking about a relationship, that might happen, or might not. Almost everyone has been in the position of being attracted to someone but not wanting to admit it for fear of rejection. I guess I can just see so many times in my life where I was too afraid to really go for something I wanted.

And there are a couple other lines I like, "I've got your ring around my neck and a couple of nights I dont regret" and "You've got a dream of a degree and a shirt that smells like me" it's nice becuase they manage to give me an image without sounding cliche. Because I'm a huge fan of not regreting things... plus I'm such a smell person. Not to be confused with a smelly person... but I can remember smells and events and people like I was with them yesterday. I can still remember how my moms best friend smelled, and she died when I was 9. I can remember how our best family friends while I was growing up garage smelled (we'd always go in through the garage door).

Anyway... I guess the alternate title for this post could be "The song and idea stuck in my head right now... and how that will get me talking about how things smell"

Ok... enough from me... I'm sleepy... and rambling...

Fingers crossed!!!

Ok... so as of today, I've applied for six yes six new jobs. There is one more that I want to apply for, but it's for the same company that I just sent off a resume to today, and I don't want them to get confused and accidently exclude me. Plus, although it's a job I would LOVE... I'm not quite as qualified as I would like to be.

So lets recap... In order of what I want!
- Assignment Editor at WWNY... just sent my resume and awesome cover letter today
- Photojournalist at WWNY... this is the one I'm afraid to apply to... I'm such a baby!
- Program Secretary at Cornell Coop Ext Co... they run all the community education stuff in town, sent resume a couple days ago... love the work they do, plus AWESOME pay!
- Arts Program Director at the 4-H camp near here... I miss working at a summer camp... sigh... plus it just sounds like a nice fun low stress job.
- Switchboard Operator at Watertown Daily Times... about as far from working in journalism as you can get and still be working for the company... at least if I was the janitor I'd touch the actual papers... lol! But nice hours
- Recptionist at Dentist Office... I'm totally qualified, and have an interview on thrusday... but again... I'd just be answering phones, not really any room for advacement.
- Trading Post director at the GS camp... but I heard back and the position is filled, I was offered a position as a regular counselor, but I cant stay overnight becuase of the puppies... so it's not an option anymore :(

So those are them... Really I'd love the Editor job. I can see it working so well for me and my long term goals... which at least for right now are to study photography and journalism. Plus I'd be really proud to say what I did.

So anyway... fingers crossed, prayers, well wishes... I'll take whatever ya got!

Some things in my head right now...

For once I'd like to be the one in my life that doesn't have to fix things.
The one that doesn't have the be the grown up and end the fight.
I'd like to be the one that doesn't call the plumber when the disposal gets jammed.
I don't want to be the to have to figure out how to make us get along again.
I hate being the type of girl that lets guys get away with things.
I'm tired of being a better friend then my friends are to me.
I'm done always wondering in the back of my mind what people are really thinking.
I don't want to be the only one that shows up when things are bad.
For once I'd like to just call in sick when I'm just not feeling like showing up.
I wish I could be as catty as some and only spend time with people when I'm not getting along with others.
I wish I didn't have to vacuum.
I don't like how I feel when people tell me how lucky I am and I have to question them in my mind.
I wish I didn't have to fake it.
God dammit I wish I could trust you.
Why is it always me that feels like throwing up after a fight.
Sometimes I wish things were the same as they were when we were kids... so there were free do-overs.
I wish I didn't still worry about what my mom thinks of me.
Why can't I turn the spare bedroom into a darkroom? Isn't that what curtains are made for anyway?
I want my life to be like a movie... sad in the beginning but happy by the end. And with a professional hair and makeup crew.
I wish all the pictures in my head could come out on paper.
I don't want to be just a wife.
I'm starting to hate the smell of popcorn.
Does anyone ever listen to what I'm saying?