Crazy Selfish Feelings

Sometimes I feel like the most crazy selfish lady in the whole world.

I guess the truth is it all stems from wanting to be happy. While I realize that there isn't anyone I know or care about who doesn't want me to be happy, I find myself in situations where in order to be happy I would have to hurt these same people. Or why is is that sometimes the things that would make me happiest in life go against everything I've really achieved over the past few years of my life.

I don't quite mean buying shoes when you should be saving money, it's nothing that simple. It's deeper life changing choices, that I sometimes feel trapped into making the opposite decision that I want to. Why does everything have to be so dependant on everything else. Why can't plans work out the way you make them. Why can't everything I ever wanted out of life really be possible.

That last line reminds me of something people used to say to me. When I went off to college the first time (at 16 and although I had everything I needed to be an amazing success, I fucked up) people would often ask me what I wanted to do. I loved this question, but often found it impossible to answer. What didn't I want to do? I wanted to be a lawyer, and join the Peace Corps, be in a band, and change the world. All the people that asked me that question would have a similar response, some sort of chuckle and a comment about how young I was. But is it really that crazy to want to make a difference. I remember making a list of everything I wanted, things like leaving a mark on the world, changing peoples ideas about things, enjoying every part of the journey I was on. It was quite a list, and now here I am, almost seven years since I was that blue eyed idealistic virgin steping onto my college campus thinking I could actually do it all. Possibly I had never experienced failure. Or perhaps I didn't realize at the time that the best thing about being a kid is that your parents (my mom in my case) can solve everything. It's even possible that I didn't realize how bad screwdrivers made from tang in a frat house were, and that they weren't worth missing class and studying for.

I can't believe that same person somehow became me. Not that I'm all that unhappy with who I am. Most people would be happy with it. I have an amazing husband, I have a part time job that is actually tolleralbe, I go to and do well in school... but there's part of me missing. It's seems like everything about my life that I'm proud of have nothing to actually do with me. My husband would be awesome even if he hadn't married me. A job is just a job, and as for school... it's a community college dammit... it's not as if I can really feel like I'm achieving anything. Like all the cool things I'd been telling myself about myself were lies... or they arent true anymore.

Somehow I've become the girl with a good life who sits in her dinning room staring out at a town she hates living in, living an ordanary life, and doing nothing to change it except posting to a blog that a whopping 3 people might read. Oh yes, this is my dream life. I just wish I could change the conditions of my life, but not the substance. I love my friends, I love being in school, I love Justin and our dogs. I just wish sometimes it didn't feel like I'm torn between them and the person I always had every intention of becoming, I just got distracted along the way.